I do not feel like blogging right now.
I feel tired and sleepy and ill an a little cranky and all I want to do is go back to bed.
But I gotta eat, at least. Bad things happen when I miss meals. And if I am sitting here eating, I might as well blog.
So here I am.
But um, lower your expectations accordingly.
Save me, oh Diet Coke!
I guess I am having a sleepy day. Those are always irritating.
But what the fuck. This too shall pass. I will eventually get caught up on sleep and things will go back to my marginally preferable “normal”.
I’m still feeling pretty tired and depressed. My days seem long and pointless. I keep telling myself that the solution is to work on something meaningful, like making music or a podcast or something, but so far I lack the energy to make the jump.
One of these days, though, the stars will align and I will level up and start doing more to express myself creatively and dissipate more of my overflowing mental energy.
And that, in turn, will make me a calmer, happier Fru.
But something in me has to die first. And it’s taking forever to do it.
Oh well, that’s what my moping about depressed is for. I am confident that I am processing a lot of old emotion right now, and the only way to get rid of suppressed emotion is to feel it, so here I am, feeling it.
So I guess I am doing something productive after all.
I’m sitting around feeling miserable!
My mother would be so proud.
I feel so forlorn lately.
Like I am abandoned and adrift and alone, left to rot in some obscure and meaningless place that most people don’t even know exists.
Under the stairs somewhere, or in a broom closet the janitor doesn’t even use any more. Or maybe left on the doorstep of a defunct shipping company, or stuck to the understand of a jetty that is rotting away quietly on a man-made lake next to a failed holiday resort from the Fifties.
Hey look, they had paddle boats.
I feel so powerless to control or even affect my own fate. The power just won’t come. I have this vast amount of energy latent in this incredible mind of mine and yet I can’t use any of it to actually get me anywhere.
Not with all that nameless fear choking off the pathways between the energy and action.
But every day, the fires within grow, and I get closer to freedom. Soon I will have burned away all the garbage in my mind and melted the walls of this ice palace and I will finally be able to defeat the final boss and be free.
Until then, I have the frustration of thwarted ambition to contend with.
I am not capable of just relaxing and waiting to convalesce. I’m too restless for that. Part of me will always be a tiger in a cage, pacing back and forth looking for a way out even though it knows there will never be one.
Finding more things to do with my energies seems like the only escape.
If only I could.
More after the break,
Nothing I can do
This feeling of being helpless to improve my situation is started to really piss me off.
I mean, what’s WITH this bullshit? I have a truly incredible mind. I’m not even sure HOW incredible because I have never found its limit. It’s a one in a billion gift[1] and it means that I have vast powers at my command and enormous strength at my fingertips.
So how DARE something as weak and pathetic as mental illness hold me back?
I AM A TITAN, GOD DAMN IT.
An angry one, in fact. Angry because he’s so goddamned sick and tired of living a life of groveling, sniveling cowardice when I should be in the intellectual upper upper crust wowing the world with what my amazing mind can do.
Where’s my fucking TED talk?
It is an outrage that life has left me to rot like it has. If the world was fair, I would be rich, famous, and beloved. I’d spend my days making great art and my nights among lively, interesting, intelligent people who are great conversationalists.
Some of whom I would fuck!
I’d be the kind of person the media comes to for reactions to things because no matter what the event or issue is, they know I will have something unique and interesting that really stirs the pot to say about it.
Maybe I would even have a highly influential blog, or YouTube channel, or whatever.
I certainly should not be living this cramped up little life. At the very least, I deserve a modest middle-class standard of living. Enough income to be comfortably ensconced in a nice house in a nice family neighborhood with a car and a back yard and a heck of a lot of pets.
Or at the very least, three or four cats.
Point is, I deserve a lot better than this life of treading water in the doldrums and gnawing on my wounds. It pisses me off solid that I ended up in a psychological cul de sac that has robbed me of the first 25+ years of my adulthood.
And counting, god damn it.
But just you wait. One of these days I am going to harness the power of my towering rage and bust right out of this place. I’m going to hit this world like the wrath of an avenging angel and nothing will ever be the same afterward.
I’ve been hoarding power for a long time. High time I spent it.
Old philosophy : Via daily writings, I shall probe my psyche and express my pain so that, via incremental progress, I shall one day be somewhat sane.
New philosophy : HULK SMASH!!!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.