But I’m way less sad.
Went to see Doctor Caswell, my diabetes and sleep apnea specialist, this morning.
Was feeling quite terrible when I got there. I’d been feeling worse than usual for the last three or four days. Felt very hot and heavy and head-achey and tired and my appetite was almost completely dead.
Luckily the fever has broken and after I finally got some decent sleep, I feel a lot better and more human now.
The appointment went well. Got two more sensors from Doctor Sherri, plus a sample of a new drug called Ozempic which, fingers crossed, will help me finally get my god damned blood sugar down to something reasonable.
I also told her about the problem I have been having with needing to just sit on the edge of my bed for a while in between being in bed and actually getting out of bed and doing stuff because it takes me a while to catch my breath and adjust to the shift in position.
It’s a surreal experience because I never know how long it will take and during it I am in a strange state of suspended consciousness.
I am fully aware and I can think and wonder and whatnot like usual, and yet there is no way in hell I can do anything until the process completes.
I tried forcing it yesterday. It hurt. Turns out my body knows what it’s doing.
That makes one of us.
So I told Doctor Sherri about it, and naturally we got to talking about CPAP, and I told her I was hoping for a mask like the one I wore when I was in the hospital for pneumonia a few years ago,
It was my oxygen mask and the key feature was that it only covered my nose. That made it way, way easier for my somewhat paradoxical fear of smothering to handle.
A fear of smothering I strongly suspect came from my sleep apnea.
It’s the Circle of Suck!
She put a call in to my CPAP people, Coastal Sleep, and I am going to go see them on August the Second in order to check out new masks and such.
Glad I got the CPAP train moving again after like a decade. I guess all it took was realizing the effects of my sleep apnea were escaping the realm of sleep.
Who am I kidding? That was always the case. I just don’t notice because I have no basis for comparison any more.
Terrible sleep is my normal now. I can’t imagine what it is like to wake up feeling refreshed. For me, sleep is something one survives.
But if I can get CPAP working for me again, all that might change!
So overall today started out kind of crappy but got a lot better. I have injected the Ozempic and will check my sugars later to see what effect it has.
Hopefully it will get things moving in the right direction.
Things are actually potentially glancing in an upward direction, kinda.
More after the break.
Twinkle little star
So as I was assembling my supper, Julian was watching an episode of Kimmel with a little girl who joined MENSA at the tender age of two.
And my first thought was, “Bullshit. That’s not even possible. ”
But then I started thinking about my own bizarre childhood, and all the things I did that people would have called bullshit on in the exact same way.
Like learning to read before I was three years old. Implausible, no? And yet it happened to me. I was reading long before I entered Grade 1.
I even tried reading Shakespeare. Not successfully, I must add. I could totally read most of the words but had no idea what de heck people were saying or what was going on.
The words I could do. The sentences, not so much.
So when I was watching Kimmel completely patronize this poor little girl like he was the worst “Kids Say The Darnedest Things” host ever (god I loathe that show), all I could think of was, “that could have been me. ”
And let me be crystal clear : I am on no level jealous of her.
In fact, the whole thing triggered teh fuck out of me because attracting that kind of attention would have been a frigging nightmare for me at that age.
Hell, it would freak me out now. I’d just get over it because money.
And when I say that could have been me, I mean it quite literally. There was a time in m childhood where the school system wanted to advance me a grade and only by (I shit you not) clinging to my bedpost and refusing to go back to school if they made me go to the higher grade did I resist that doomed move.
Because once that started, who knows where it would have stopped? I was definitely a lot more than one grade above my peers.
I really didn’t want to be one of those elementary school aged kids in college.
And the wisdom of this decision was revealed to me when I saw what happened to Michael McNally. He was also super bright, and he took the advancement, and as a result got bullied way, way harder than I ever did.
As an aside, he hated me. Presumably he saw me as a rival before the upgrade.
It says a lot about my basic nature that I didn’t see him as a rival at all. I am just not capable of that kin of petty jealousy.
He was smart. So was I. So what’s the big deal? Why should we fight?
I wonder if that pissed him off too. Imagine that you are throwing everything you’ve got against a hated rival and they not only don’t even acknowledge being attacked but refuses to even antagonize you.
God, that kind of thinking depresses me.
Can’t we all just get along?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.