In order to get better on a psychological level, I need to balance out my highly unstable personality by learning to act without the benefit of forethought sometimes.
And somehow be okay with that.
Be okay with acting on instinct, without any chance to think things through logically and select the best response. Be okay with going with my gut. Firing from the hip. Acting in an impromptu and extemporaneous manner.
Just uh…. going for it, basically.
I am getting the stunned and paralyzed anxiety sweat just thinking about it.
Because the prospect scares the hot buttery bejesus out of me. I can’t help but read it as total anarchy. I have extremely little experience with making decisions via instinct and emotion and everything in my soul says that doing so can only lead to chaos and disaster on a life-rending scale.
Because what the fuck do my instincts know, right? How can they possibly make intelligent decisions leading to positive outcomes without understanding the whole situation and picking the best option based on that understanding?
I might as well be making decisions base on coin tosses or dice rolls.
And yet I know that’s not true. My kind of thinking is quite rare and the world is full of (and run by) people who are way dumber than me and who therefore have no choice but to go with their gut most of the time.
And they do fine. Much better than I o, that’s for sure. They are out there leading rich, fulfilling, robust lives and I am stuck here rotting away in the doldrums of insanity.
Stupid is as stupid does. I does a lot of stupid.
So how is this possible? It must be that the more you rely on your instincts, the smarter they get. Mine are quite stupid because I have been labouring under this delusional pseudo-rationalist regime where I avoid situations where I have to make rapid, emotional decisions at any cost.
And that costs plenty. It costs so much that it has led to my current life where I am so deep down scared of the world that I am trapped in a jail with no locks
It is tragic beyond words when you are scared of your own adrenaline.
So I want to learn to relax and let things come to me in realtime some of the time. This is definitely the sort of thing where exposure is he only cure.
This also really fucking scares me. Exposure is one of my worst fears. That’s kind of what the whole avoidant personality disorder trip is all about : hiding.
Exposure is the opposite of hiding.
So it’s not going to be easy. I will have to force myself to go against all those self-denying instincts and turn directly towards the light and face the truth.
The real truth. The kin that is visceral, not intellectual. The kind that does not allow you to keep living life like it’s a game of chess.
Because it isn’t. Life is a sport and the ball is headed right for your head.
Whatcha gonna do?
More after the break.
Death upon rising
Well I finally twigged to the pattern :
I feel really, really terrible when I get out of bed.
Seems obvious in retrospect but here we are.
It happens even if I haven’t slept, although sleeping makes it ten times worse. I end up feeling absolutely wretched, with my head pounding and my breath short and a pain like a full body toothache.
It’s like I can feel my bone grinding against each other.
That can’t be good.
Things are just as bad if not worse on the emotional level. I become extremely depressed and feel very very low. Despair and misery flow through me in waves and it’s only by hard won internal discipline that I manage to remember that this too will pass and if I just hang in there, I will feel better.
One of these days I might not make it though.
I get so damned tired.
And it can last for hours. Hours of feeling terrible both physically and emotionally. Time spent just sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for the world to make sense again. Waiting for this choking miasma to relax its grip on me so I can resume living.
No rush. It’s not like I have anything worth doing to do.
So why do I feel so bad? I think part of it is that my sinuses and nose and Eustachian tubes get clogged up as I sleep or lay down. That would explain the headache and body ache. If so, I can tackle that just by remembering to clear my outlets when I wake.
But I think there is a large circulatory factor as well. My heart isn’t doing a very good job right now and I think that leads to blood pooling in various places when I lay down.
That’s very much a not good thing, because when I shift or get up, a whole lot of blood moves from one place to another very rapidly and my diabetes-ravaged circulatory system can’t handle that.
That’s how strokes and aneurisms happen, kids.
So I am trying to learn to move more slowly and gently so that the blood goes back to where it belongs in a calmer and more orderly fashion.
After all, there’s a chance I might actually live through all this.
Despite that, the feeling that the shadows are closing in on me continues to grow.
It’s very hard to determine how realistic they are. I have a lot of legitimate health issues but most of them aren’t fatal or even severe. I also have depression, which is well known to heavily bias one towards a more negative interpretation of events.
And of course, there is always the very sick and traitorous part of my min that wants to die, or at least end up in the hospital with all responsibility to be a grownup removed and nice people taking care of me 24/7.
i am such a prime candidate for Munchausen’s Syndrome.
Well time to lie down and doom myself again.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.