My childhood was so very, very cold.
That’s how I remembering. Like miles and miles of midnight tundra. An endless expanse of nothing but snow and ice and frozen ground.
Like winter on the Moon.
Because there was no light and no love for me back then.
My mother froze me out. She was too tired from working all day then having to make supper when she got home and all the rest.
So she ignored me till I went away. I’d try to tell her about my day and she wouldn’t reply or even acknowledge me at all. I would hug her and she would not react except to look at me like she didn’t even know what I was.
That shit has to have done some serious damage to me. She was my last lifeline to the warm and wholesome world of human emotion.
And she just… gave up on me. Like I wasn’t even there.
She doesn’t remember any of this, of course. But um, I ain’t making shit up. She really withdrew from me and possibly everyone else as well.
So after that, I had nobody. No friends, no connection to my family, no support at all from my teachers or the administration.
I was a robot who went to school. When I wasn’t in school, I was in my room playing video games or reading. Or I was watching TV alone. ‘
No light. No warmth. No love. No caring. No compassion. No guidance. No understanding. No protection. No support. No attention. No anything.
And nobody noticed. Or if they noticed, they didn’t care. Certainly not enough to actually do anything about it.
After all, if they did something, they might have to deal with me, and it seems like was pure fucking poison for some reason.
I dunno. I guess I can see how dealing with me might have been pretty weird. This little fat kid who talked like a college professor and who was obviously mega smart but there was something oddly missing, too.
And that meant conversations with me were alienating and unpredictable. I didn’t think or act or react like a normal kid at all.
Because I wasn’t one.
What got me thinking about all this coldness is when I admitted to myself that I was really enjoying my visits to the hospital for IV antibiotics because it meant someone actually touching me.
I have been deeply, deeply starved for human touch for so long. No wonder I spend time every day as a cuddly fluffy fox. Virtual cuddles aren’t a patch on the real thing but they are all I can get right now.
I wish I could have a boyfriend. Or cats. Or both.
Hey, I’m a furry. My boyfriend could BE a cat.
I’m emotionally starving on so many levels. Romance, sex, nurturing, respect, purpose, direction, accomplishment, closeness, intimacy, approval, success… I am dying of the lack of all of them and I can’t see that changing any time soon.
The problems all compound one another and I am not yet strong enough to be able to choose and commit to a way out.
All roads lead everywhere.
I truly feel incapable of extricating myself from this deep dark hole of mine.
I don’t know how to thaw that poor boy out.
But I will keep on trying.
More after the break.
It makes a statement
First, a quick share from some ladies I really love :
I love Baroness Von Sketch. Their work is always sharp, funny, high density, and best of all, without the hesitation and/or shame that held back previous female-led skitcom.
Not that I am slagging the considerable talents of other ladies of skitcom whom I love, like Jan Hooks, Nora Dunn, and Rachel Dratch.
But I feel like in my lifetime, I have had the privilege and joy of watching women led skitcom emerge from the shadow of male dominated comedy and dare to be just as daring, subversive, and sharp as anyone us dudes did.
That makes me so happy.
Another medical roundup
Not much to report today. Did the IV Antibiotics thang. Was late – my fault entirely, not only was I slow in getting ready but then I forgot my mask.
For some reason, as soon as summer kicked in, I completely lost my ability to remember to wear a mask when going out.
Maybe I needed the prompting of having to put on my coat. Or maybe my brain has switched in to Summer Mode otherwise known as derp.
I don’t exactly become stupid in the summer but my tendencies towards absentmindedness and airheadedness get exaggerated.
So yeah. Derp!
The infusion (love that word) went smoothly, as usual. I was a little worried my IV port had gotten dislodged when I got the webbing that holds it in place caught on something, but the pre-infusion flush went through fine.
The big event was Maria the wound care nurse taking another stab at debriding my wound. At first she was having trouble but seemed to find a point of entry and that let her open things up and clear stuff out.
She then filled the wound with this antiseptic packing stuff I recognize from the previous time I had a hideous wound on my leg caused by an infection.
A truly distressing amount of the stuff disappeared into there. I guess it goes a lot deeper than it looks like it does on the surface.
That…. was unpleasant to learn. Gives me a tiny jolt of the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. A wound is one thing.
A… cavity in one’s body is far more upsetting.
Oh well. I already have a bunch on the other leg that won’t heal. At least untiI finally get my blood sugar under control.
I really need to get back to that. This hospital stuff has me all distracted.
But um, it’s kind of important, so…. yeah.
If only high blood sugar was painful.
Besides causing hideous leg infections. Hmmmm.
Maybe when I feel like slacking off in my efforts to finally get my blood sugar under 10, I should give my wound a poke.
Pain is the great teacher, after all.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.