I’ve been feeling restless and impatient lately. \

And that’s a good thing. That’s the sort of thing that can potentially lead to change. If I get pent up and frustrated enough, it might give me the energy and incentive I need to overcome the wall of fear that keeps me from moving forward with my life.

it would also help if I could learn to take life less seriously. I know it might sound funny for a hilarious guy like me to be talking about taking life too seriously, but I truly believer that to be the case.

My deep down Taurus programming is very serious. Deadly serious, even. It insists that what is real and solid in the world – we’ll call it “reality” for short – is the most important thing possible and should always have the highest priority, come what may.

And that sounds sensible enough. What could be more important than reality? The here and now? The things that actually exist and are really happening?

The answer is, of course, “nothing”, but that doesn’t mean that the best approach to life is to take those things incredibly seriously.

In fact. in my case, it raises the stakes for life so high that I can’t handle it and I can’t deal with anything and I have to spend my time hiding from reality because everything is so fraught with danger and importance.

That’s clearly no way to live.

For one thing, it lacks flexibility and resilience. It makes for a very rigid yet fragile approach to life where any old bump in the road can send you to the metaphorical emergency room and the world is therefore a very scary place that is best avoided.

Like that’s an option. No matter where you go, there you are.

I would be a hell of a lot better off if I could ease the frick off and learn to take things a lot more lightly. Treat life like a game or a dream or a lark. Live to have fun and enjoy myself rather than trying to be some kind of superhuman paragon in order to :”live up to my potential” and be as great as I feel like I could be.

And maybe I can be a one of a kind world-changing thinker and a once in a century genius and the most talented dude ever, but I won’t get there by thinking that way.

I need to silence the voice that insists that taking things less seriously can only lead to disaster because honestly, it’s not like things are going great now.

And to be honest, I am warming up to the idea that tragedy and failure are not the worst things in the world – doing and being nothing is.

I would rather be alive and doing something with my life than drowsing through this fucking sleepwalk of an existence with no destination in mind but the grave.

Unfortunately. that realization alone is not enough for me to pierce that wall of fear. Like I said yesterday, that wall is not amenable to reason or even my own best interests. And my own weak motivations and feeble drives are no match for it.

It is a malignant mass of carcinogenic emotion that lies deep within my soul and pollutes every fiber of my being.

It will take the equal and opposite emotions, like hope and inspiration, to destroy this spiritual infection so that I can finally have some peace and some balance in my life.

And I don’t know where to get that. Out of nothing at all, apparently.

And I have tried giving myself permission to just give myself the emotion, without it needing to make sense or be justified at all.

And I have not given up on that. It might work eventually. But it might not, and from where I am sitting right now, it doesn’t seem possible.

I feel like I just don’t have it in me to make that kind of change.

But maybe some day, I will.

More after the break.

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The reservoir is dry

More about just not having it in me to change.

I keep circling back to this feeling of not having whatever spiritual substance is needed in order to fight my fear and grow as a person.

I can’t shake the feeling of soul starvation. Intellectually, I know that a feeling of emptiness is a primary symptom of depression, probably because depression’s numbness is so pervasive that you can’t even feel your own life force any more, but intellectual understanding of a problem provides, at best, cold comfort, and at worst it is way less than useless because it doesn’t fucking help.

I know so much and I see so much and I understand so much and I “get” so much and yet it’s all just so much paper waste in the eye of the storm of my emotions.

I might as well be trying to stop a charging bull by playing solitaire.

And I am keenly aware of just how ignorant and foolhardy I really am, because for all I have developed my truly amazing mind, my soul and my spirit are so underdeveloped that it’s a wonder I still draw breath.

People grow based on their life experiences, and I have far too few of those, and the ones I have don’t exactly expand the mind and spirit much.

Plus the vast majority of them are from my twenties. Back then I did things like organize furmeets, and I knew people through those.

I don’t know what I could organize now. Maybe a Gen X club so we can all get together and pretend we are still what is “normal”.

I’m too old and crippled and poor for any sort of spiritual pilgrimage or journey to find myself. I guess if I am ever going to find myself, it will have to be online.

Figures I’d be there.

And I know there is so much I might do to expand my world online. But change is so hard and complacency is so easy as to be effortless, and I can’t imagine where I would find the internal resources for that, either.

Maybe if I get my vitamin B-12 levels up high enough. I will feel strong enough to do the things I need to do to heal my broken soul.

Or maybe I’ll just die. I don’t know.

But I do know one thing.

i will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.