But what else is new?

Had to cancel Wound Care this morning because I am officially sick. Just the common kind of sick, thank God, not the hospital kind of sick.

I have a cold. Runny nose, cough, fever, lightheadedness. Also a potentially related increased cognitive error rate, like I said yesterday.

I’ve been sleeping a lot, which helps. Gets kind of annoying when I would rather be playing my video games, but at least it’s good, wholesome sleep and not the sweat soaked brain frying hyper intense sleep I was getting yesterday.

I figure I reached some kind of critical mass in terms of not getting enough deep REM sleep (Stage 4) and my brain did what it always does and decided I needed to get caught up all at once.

This results in sleep where it’s like my brain is trying to cram three months’ worth of dreaming into three hours of sleep.

And that leaves a fella kinda depleted. Burns through your supplies of hydration and calories pretty fast, and depletes important brain chemicals to boot.

Don’t ask me which ones. As far as I can tell, it’s all of them.

It amuses me that, compared to other ways in which I have been sick lately, this feels like no big deal.

I’m neither bleeding through my genitals or losing my eyesight. This is honestly just a bog standard cold. I will be fine.

That said, I will definitely be keeping a close eye on it. Especially the respiratory angle. After all, I was in the hospital with pneumonia not that long ago.

I mean sure, it’s just a common cold now, but in someone like me, it could get much worse in a shockingly small amount of time.

Damn it’s hard for me to concentrate. I do not feel like an effective person right now. Staying focused on the task of blogging requires dragging my mind back to the page over and over again, and that’s such a drag.

Not that I am ever that effective in the first place. Then again, how would I know? I don’t try to do all that much.

I am fighting my way out of my mental illness, though. Being sick has slowed that down a little but I am still battling to push back the cold dark fear that has been locking me in this tomblike lifestyle for so very long.

And who knows. Many one day, the planets will align and all my best stars will be in the sky and I will just rise up like a pissed off Samson and bring the whole thing down.

Let’s just say I am open to the idea of have a total mental breakdown if that’s what it takes to get me out of this dead end existence.

I could do so many amazing things if I could just activate myself. But I suppose the unhealthy part of me is still scared that once I open that door, I will never be able to retreat from the world into the dank comfort of my depressive cave again.

Talk about commitment issues.

And I guess that’s a reasonable fear, at least in a sense. I am seeking to leave this part of my life behind forever. So far, my conception of a post-depression future does not include ever returning to this sad pathetic state for even a weekend.

But maybe it could. Perhaps I am thinking of this in inappropriately absolute terms. Maybe a more functional future would include needing to retreat to my world of video games and naps every now and then to recharge.

Hell, I could be living a much more activated life just from devoting like two hours a day to work outside my tiny life.

It’s worth considering.

More after the break.

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Chicken nuggets for the soul

Felt like I needed a treat so I got myself a 10 Chicken McNugget meal from McD’s tonight. After figuring out that I could afford it, of course.

I am, for the most part, financially prudent. I am a Taurus, after all.

The sensible and wise deployment of resources is kind of our thing.

So before I ordered in, I got the balance of my card and counted the change in my wallet and totaled it up.

And I’m fine. By going a while without ordering in at all, I managed to get my finances back in shape so that this five week month doesn’t make me so tense.

Like I have said in this space before, the state of my finances has a very strong effect on my emotions, and that’s not negotiable. I have to known the money will be there when I need it or everything falls apart and I will not be able to rest till I fix it.

Luckily, my actual needs are quite modest. That’s one of the advantages of a video game and internet based lifestyles. As long as I have a place to live, food to eat, and a place to plug in my computer, I’m good.

I mean, I want more. A lot more. But I don’t need any more.

Maybe that’s part of the problem. I dunno.

Perhaps I am just too used to ignoring everything as long as my needs are met. Were I a healthier specimen, my life-affirming instincts might well make me discontent enough to upend everything in order to get myself out of this mess.

I can’t imagine living like that. But I’m trying to.

That would mean loosening the death grip that my corrupt and malign overbearing superego has over everything, and learning that doing things purely because you feel like it without having every possibility thoroughly thought through and tested for :safety: is just fine, actually, and might even be a lot better even if it DOES sometimes lead to negative outcomes that in hindsight could have been avoided.

Oh well. I’m not made of glass. I can fuck up and move on. It’s okay.

Those are the lessons you are supposed to learn from your paternal parent.

Kind of makes the whole “mama’s boy” thing make sense, dunnit?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.