For the most part, I… don’t.

Get things done, that is. For the most part, I live this friction free floating existence where I passively absorb input and output very little of meaning.

This blog aside. It’s my one desperate link to productivity. Thanks for reading it.

But for the most part, I do very little of substance with my time on Earth. Mostly, I play video games, which have the magical quality of giving you the feeling of productivity via progress through the game being earned through your own efforts, but which actually produce absolutely nothing and mean even less.

Video games are my hamster wheel. I can run and run and run without a care because I know that I won’t actually get anywhere.

Hey. That rhymes.

And after taking a good hard look at myself, I have to admit that the root cause I don’t get anything meaningful done is that I am afraid to.

More specifically, getting anything real done requires dealing with actual reality and its higher stimulation level from things like their being actual risks and stakes and complex interactions and maybe even other people and stuff like that.

God, no wonder I’m such a psychological cripple. Me, the hardcore pragmatist, can’t actually handle the real world at all.

How fucking ironic.

This is why, despite all my self-administered pep talks, I never get anywhere in life. I have a deep and fundamental reality issue and until that is addressed and healed, nothing else matters because I will simply continue to run on my wheel until my untimely and no doubt messy and humiliating death.

Could be any day now, given how much things keep fucking up in my body.

Clearly, I need to toughen up. I can’t continue to be a fragile soap bubble floating trough life that the slightest contact with anything solid could pop and thus destroy. I can’t keep being so timid and sallow and weak. I can’t sleepwalk through life any more.

Not if I want to escape this elaborate little trap of mine.

And I do. I don’t want to die like I am now, completely irrelevant to life. I want to activate and realize and grow. I want to strive and achieve and prove to myself and the world that I am far more than roadkill on the highway of life.

And under it all is this terrible feeling of weakness. And pain. It feels like I have the psychological equivalent of a broken bone and that means I can’t put any weight on my soul without it causing incredible pain.

I used to think the cause of this was the deep and largely unhealed trauma of being raped when I was four years old. And I am not ruling that out as a cause.

But I am also open to the idea that it’s my vitamin B12 deficit that is to blame. It’s a very important vitamin and my body has been running on extremely little of it for at least a decade now, and that’s not good.

Next time I see Doctor Chao for a B12 shot, I am going to have to insist on setting up all the appointments for future shots in advance.

This shit ain’t gonna work if I am only getting a shot once a month.

And maybe if I get my B12 levels up, I will feel more like a human being, instead of a zombie stumbling through the fog.

That sure would be nice.

More after the break.

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On keeping tabs

Let me tell you about some of the potentially life-altering tabs I have open in my browser right now. All of these have been lurking there fore a minimum of two weeks without my doing a thing with them.

Why? Because reality scares me. I can’t deal with it. See above.

I’ve got this tab, which leads to my homepage on the website Archive Of Our Own, sometimes charmingly referred to as AO3, presumably because that looks a lo t less silly than calling it AOOO.

Look like a hookup app for wolves.

It’s an anything-goes fanfiction site. It hosts original works too. The idea was that I would post some of my own work there and maybe attract a fanbase.

That was more than a month ago. No action yet.

Then there’s a link to Fiverr, where us freelancers are spected to write ads for ourselves in order to convince potential clients to hire us.

Um yeah, that’s not going to happen. I haven’ the foggiest idea what to write in order to convince people to hire me and not someone with more qualifications, and it doesn’t seem like the place is geared towards creative writing anyhow.

But if you ever need an essay written, no questions asked, boy do I know a place.

Then there’s this fairly amazing sounding video :

Pretty amazing, right? Seems like the exact kind of thing I am looking for. Surely amongst the ten offerings there’s something right for me, and that means I could finally go back to earning money and feel so much better about myself!

It’s been there three weeks. I have only watched the first three minutes of it. Got freaked out, his pause, never looked back. no action.

And finally, we have this link to job postings for writers on Indeed.ca.

Same as the above. Checked it out for a few minutes, saw something that maybe I could do, got freaked out, goodbye forever.

And yet I am also too spineless to close these tabs because then I’d have to admit to myself that I am never going to do any of the things instead of coasting along on the belief that I will get around to them “someday”.

Watch out for that word, “someday”. That shit will fuck you up. It convinces you that you are getting somewhere by doing nothing.

That’s not how it works.

So, yeah. That’s how my life works. I would probably be better off if I grew a pair and closed all those tabs, or finally did something with them.

But no, as usual, I will hover in between, unable to commit or confront.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.